How infinite is the “infinite atonement?”

Today was the most spiritual day of the summer of 2015. This was the day I realized who I wanted to become and how to do it. These past few days, I was going through the refiner’s fire of repentance. It has been so long since I truly humbled myself and softened my heart that it felt like it was too late for me to repent. Guilt has built up. Even things that I have done in the past felt like they were haunting me, that I couldn’t breathe. There was so much pressure in my heart. I felt like I was going to shatter at any moment.

Today was the first day I brought The Infinite Atonement to cash control. It gave me relief. It helped me understand that I shouldn’t be limiting the atonement. Jesus Christ’s atonement is called “the infinite atonement” for a reason. No matter what sin we have committed, what weakness we have, what trials we are facing, the atonement’s power applies to all of these things. Both for mankind and myself. I need to learn to forgive myself and remember that I am fully clean. I learned that from President Dunn in the MTC. God has forgiven me because of the infinite power of the atonement.

Through this experience, I realized how serious the covenants are to follow. I feel like because I was lax with them, Satan had a lot more power over me than I expected. I need to realize how serious my temple covenants are and how much more I need to keep them in mind with a serious attitude. Or at least, have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. As long as I offer a broken heart and a contrite spirit, I will remain clean.

Humbled

As I read through the Eternal Marriage Student Manual and my patriarchal blessing, I felt like I was not doing things they were asking of me. I did not feel worthy to receive the blessings that were in store for me. In the student manual, I read under the section that was talking about the differences between a man and a woman. I felt like I completely lost my traits as a woman recently. I felt like I wouldn't be a worthy wife or mother to complement my husband. I feel like I would be the same as my husband.

I also felt like I wasn't doing the things that the Lord wants me to do. I read the second half of my patriarchal blessing and I realized that I wasn't doing any of those things recently. I really felt unworthy. I felt like I forgot what matters most in life. 

I need to find the balance of being who I am, yet not losing sight of what matters most--the eternal things in life. I need to be myself, yet recognize what is agreeable to God and what isn't. I need to be more aware of God and Jesus Christ.

Patience

Things that have required me to gain patience since I have been back home from my mission. Not in any particular order:
1. Uber slow internet.
2. My family.
3. Getting a job.
4. Overcoming my weaknesses that I thought I overcame on my mission.
5. Why things didn't work out in Hawaii.
6. Buying a car.
7. Missionaries getting back from their mission.
8. Marriage.
9. Getting back in shape with snapping gravity.
10. Being an RM: a good RM.
11. Figuring out my living situation in Provo.
12. My Chinese depleting.
13. Self-control in every aspect.
14. Nervousness causing me to mess up with everything.

Survived the First Week

Survived my first week of being back in Provo since my mission. It has been way better than I could have imagined.

I love and get along with my roommates. I was able to see Sister Jensen, Sister Ng, Warren, Elder Tian, Elder Davies, Elder Allen, and Elder Ladd. I was able to get the concessions and e-commerce job. I hung out pretty much every night. I love my apartment.

There definitely have been times when I got weird awkward feelings though. Seeing PDA. Certain guys. When people say inappropriate things. Walking in the night time. Trying to find a car. Messaging people about their car, but they are not in the state of Utah. Not wanting to move to Stadium Terrace. Computer broke.

I definitely felt like the Lord's hand was there that last week.

I'll probably go into detail about each of these in future posts.

First Post-Mission Entry

Note: This is the first blog post that is made private.

Every time I write on here, it's because I need to vent out my emotions. I'll do a better job of writing about normal things, hopefully.

Right now, it feels like everything that seemed right seems wrong. My brother and I got into a massive fight yesterday. My mom also got involved. I don't go into detail, because I want to spare myself from remembering the whole ordeal. Because of this, everything is so awkward in the household. I am leaving this Sunday (it is Wednesday right now, by the way). Because of this situation, I feel so uneasy about leaving.

At the end of the day, or at least at the end of the ordeal, I learned so much. I learned about myself, my family, life, and God. I was so torn and doubting when this argument happened. You can say I went insane. But at the end of it all, it was for the best.

Following the ordeal, I saw so many miracles. My brother warmed up to me faster than in the past. Two days before I left, my mom was finally offered a store where she likes the deal. Everything turned out the way it should when I left.

I am grateful for the Lord's mercies. He never abandons us. There is always light at the end of the tunnel as long as we choose the right. If we persevere, no matter what the challenge, everything will be ok.

I can't wait for what the Lord has in store for me.

How I started building my testimony

When I went on temple grounds when I was 4-years-old, that was when I knew that the LDS church was true. I felt the Spirit the strongest on temple grounds. I think this was the first time I felt the Spirit actually. The Spirit assured me that this was a true church. I also felt the importance of the temple even though I did not know what went on in there. Now that I think about it, I think the Spirit was trying to let me know that receiving all of the ordinances in there is my ultimate goal. I can't deny what I felt and learned that day.

Goofing around at Hezekiah's Tunnel

Some of the Jerusalem Center students fooling around after walking through Hezekiah's tunnel. 

This is definitely something to do while in Jerusalem. If you want to beat the heat, go through this tunnel. It's sick to think that the ancient people of Israel carved out such a long passage. It takes like 30 minutes to get through the tunnel. 

Me and a couple others went through Hezekiah's tunnel a second time without flashlights. Instead, we used oil lamps, just like in the 10 virgins parable. We tried to be like the wise virgins, so we bought a ton of olive oil. However, the parable failed to mention bringing more than one candle wick. All of our wicks died out half way through our journey through the tunnel, so we were walking in the pitch black. We all ended up being the foolish virgins.