Say hello to "The Stefanotis Writer"

I'm back!

Two years without writing on Blogger...Two long years! Even when I wrote two years back, I wrote one measly post the whole year.

Why did I stop writing? Hmm, I'd like my excuse to be "I was busy and I didn't have time" (the excuse I pull every time I need to rationalize why I didn't accomplish something), but that's not it. To be completely candid, I didn't want my personal life being publicized anymore. This was used as my journal. I got to the point where I wanted the records of my thoughts, ideas, and life kept private. So, I stopped writing on here.

So why am I back? I actually want to use this blog as a platform for becoming a freelance writer. Yes, I want to go professional with writing. Such a big step! I love writing and would not mind at all making this a career if I can become successful enough. Also, I want to be a positive influence in society by publishing my work. I feel like freelance writing would give me that opportunity.

I admit, not all of these blog posts were profoundly well thought out. You'll catch grammatical errors and misspellings here and there. But, I want to show my voice as a writer, even if my writing isn't up to par as my writing now (at least I'm hoping my writing has improved since I first started writing on here).

I'll be going back to publishing my thoughts and ideas and some life experiences. I will write about topics ranging from serious topics such as politics, law, economics to light-hearted themes such as cooking, comedy, travel. I don't want to be a writer pegged down by one niche. I enjoy every single topic that I just listed and would love to write about every single one. It would be nice to have clients in each topic, but we'll see how everything turns out.

My pseudonym going forward is "The Stefanotis Writer." How did I come up with that name? There'll be a future blog post for that. ;)

Well, here is the first blog post to a potential start of a career. Wish me luck! :D

Am I wiser than a 5th grader?

So I haven't written on here for ages, but today I really felt like I needed to start writing on here again.Its fun to take a look at my thought process in different time periods of my life. Also, I have the worst memory in the world, so I need write these things down.

A memory that I felt like writing about is when I got a D on a report card. I'm pretty sure it was in 5th grade. Or it could potentially be in 4th grade. Whatever, it's like the same. It was my health class. We had to do experiments every so often throughout the year. So apparently, I thought we were to turn in our worksheets at the end of the year. I had no idea we had to turn it in the same day we did the experiment. I don't know why I thought that because I would turn in the rest of my assignments on time. I remember when my teacher chastized me for not knowing that it was supposed to be turned in the same day. She said that she wouldn't accept my assignments. I remember my heart dropping and feeling the most anxiety. And then I saw my report card and I was so upset at myself.

I guess I'm writing about this experience because I feel like I went through a similar experience in college. It's definitely not as extreme as when I was a 5th grader, but I was falling behind on everything because I wasn't in my right mind. I'm referring to the first two weeks of the Winter 2016 semester. I missed the first day of ECON382 because I thought it was at 9 a.m. I thought it was at that time because that's when I originally had my Chinese class. In my ECON458 class, I missed my first online quiz. In my POLI470 class, I totally blanked on the first two week's reading responses. I felt like I was going senile. But in reality, I was assuming. I noticed that whenever I assume, nothing goes right. I feel like I should've learned my lesson, but I feel like I relapse quite often. Maybe its my pride and thinking I know everything, even though I don't. I really need to humble myself.

After writing this blog, I realized that "assuming" is one of my bigger weaknesses. I really discover things about myself when I blog haha! I should keep this up!

How infinite is the “infinite atonement?”

Today was the most spiritual day of the summer of 2015. This was the day I realized who I wanted to become and how to do it. These past few days, I was going through the refiner’s fire of repentance. It has been so long since I truly humbled myself and softened my heart that it felt like it was too late for me to repent. Guilt has built up. Even things that I have done in the past felt like they were haunting me, that I couldn’t breathe. There was so much pressure in my heart. I felt like I was going to shatter at any moment.

Today was the first day I brought The Infinite Atonement to cash control. It gave me relief. It helped me understand that I shouldn’t be limiting the atonement. Jesus Christ’s atonement is called “the infinite atonement” for a reason. No matter what sin we have committed, what weakness we have, what trials we are facing, the atonement’s power applies to all of these things. Both for mankind and myself. I need to learn to forgive myself and remember that I am fully clean. I learned that from President Dunn in the MTC. God has forgiven me because of the infinite power of the atonement.

Through this experience, I realized how serious the covenants are to follow. I feel like because I was lax with them, Satan had a lot more power over me than I expected. I need to realize how serious my temple covenants are and how much more I need to keep them in mind with a serious attitude. Or at least, have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. As long as I offer a broken heart and a contrite spirit, I will remain clean.

Humbled

As I read through the Eternal Marriage Student Manual and my patriarchal blessing, I felt like I was not doing things they were asking of me. I did not feel worthy to receive the blessings that were in store for me. In the student manual, I read under the section that was talking about the differences between a man and a woman. I felt like I completely lost my traits as a woman recently. I felt like I wouldn't be a worthy wife or mother to complement my husband. I feel like I would be the same as my husband.

I also felt like I wasn't doing the things that the Lord wants me to do. I read the second half of my patriarchal blessing and I realized that I wasn't doing any of those things recently. I really felt unworthy. I felt like I forgot what matters most in life. 

I need to find the balance of being who I am, yet not losing sight of what matters most--the eternal things in life. I need to be myself, yet recognize what is agreeable to God and what isn't. I need to be more aware of God and Jesus Christ.

Patience

Things that have required me to gain patience since I have been back home from my mission. Not in any particular order:
1. Uber slow internet.
2. My family.
3. Getting a job.
4. Overcoming my weaknesses that I thought I overcame on my mission.
5. Why things didn't work out in Hawaii.
6. Buying a car.
7. Missionaries getting back from their mission.
8. Marriage.
9. Getting back in shape with snapping gravity.
10. Being an RM: a good RM.
11. Figuring out my living situation in Provo.
12. My Chinese depleting.
13. Self-control in every aspect.
14. Nervousness causing me to mess up with everything.

Survived the First Week

Survived my first week of being back in Provo since my mission. It has been way better than I could have imagined.

I love and get along with my roommates. I was able to see Sister Jensen, Sister Ng, Warren, Elder Tian, Elder Davies, Elder Allen, and Elder Ladd. I was able to get the concessions and e-commerce job. I hung out pretty much every night. I love my apartment.

There definitely have been times when I got weird awkward feelings though. Seeing PDA. Certain guys. When people say inappropriate things. Walking in the night time. Trying to find a car. Messaging people about their car, but they are not in the state of Utah. Not wanting to move to Stadium Terrace. Computer broke.

I definitely felt like the Lord's hand was there that last week.

I'll probably go into detail about each of these in future posts.

First Post-Mission Entry

Note: This is the first blog post that is made private.

Every time I write on here, it's because I need to vent out my emotions. I'll do a better job of writing about normal things, hopefully.

Right now, it feels like everything that seemed right seems wrong. My brother and I got into a massive fight yesterday. My mom also got involved. I don't go into detail, because I want to spare myself from remembering the whole ordeal. Because of this, everything is so awkward in the household. I am leaving this Sunday (it is Wednesday right now, by the way). Because of this situation, I feel so uneasy about leaving.

At the end of the day, or at least at the end of the ordeal, I learned so much. I learned about myself, my family, life, and God. I was so torn and doubting when this argument happened. You can say I went insane. But at the end of it all, it was for the best.

Following the ordeal, I saw so many miracles. My brother warmed up to me faster than in the past. Two days before I left, my mom was finally offered a store where she likes the deal. Everything turned out the way it should when I left.

I am grateful for the Lord's mercies. He never abandons us. There is always light at the end of the tunnel as long as we choose the right. If we persevere, no matter what the challenge, everything will be ok.

I can't wait for what the Lord has in store for me.

How I started building my testimony

When I went on temple grounds when I was 4-years-old, that was when I knew that the LDS church was true. I felt the Spirit the strongest on temple grounds. I think this was the first time I felt the Spirit actually. The Spirit assured me that this was a true church. I also felt the importance of the temple even though I did not know what went on in there. Now that I think about it, I think the Spirit was trying to let me know that receiving all of the ordinances in there is my ultimate goal. I can't deny what I felt and learned that day.

Goofing around at Hezekiah's Tunnel

Some of the Jerusalem Center students fooling around after walking through Hezekiah's tunnel. 

This is definitely something to do while in Jerusalem. If you want to beat the heat, go through this tunnel. It's sick to think that the ancient people of Israel carved out such a long passage. It takes like 30 minutes to get through the tunnel. 

Me and a couple others went through Hezekiah's tunnel a second time without flashlights. Instead, we used oil lamps, just like in the 10 virgins parable. We tried to be like the wise virgins, so we bought a ton of olive oil. However, the parable failed to mention bringing more than one candle wick. All of our wicks died out half way through our journey through the tunnel, so we were walking in the pitch black. We all ended up being the foolish virgins.

"The Hardest Part" by Coldplay

I feel like this is my theme song before leaving on a mission. Here's the lyrics:

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part


It sounds like I really don't want to go on a mission, but I really do. I'm just saying that it's not going to be easy letting go of everything once I'm set apart as a full-time missionary. Waiting to be set apart does feel like the "strangest start." The mission is definitely going to be a "bittersweet" experience. There's still a lot of things "I wish that I could work out" before I leave.

I feel like I am leaving at an interesting point in my life. I really feel like anything can happen in these next 18 months to the people that I care about. I never felt this way during my 3 years in college. That's why it's "the hardest part letting go, not taking part." I feel like I'm going to be in the blind with pretty much everything, except for what will be right in front of me. I wonder what it's all about: Why am I leaving on a mission at this point in my life? I'm sure I'll understand the reason why once I complete my mission.

I Hated Travelling

Recognize how the title is past tense. For some odd reason, I hated travelling when I was a little kid. When I went to the Philippines, I cried. When I went to California, I cried. When I went to Las Vegas, I cried. When I went to Mexico, at least I think we went to Mexico, I probably cried. Now I cry if I don't get to travel. It's weird.

Disclaimer: I am not going on a mission just so I can travel. That's probably the last reason why I am going on a mission. I could have gotten called state-side and I would have been totally fine with it. I have to admit though, I don't mind going on a mission to a place with gorgeous beaches and sceneries with super awesome people.

The Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey

Seriously one of the greatest places on earth. The architecture is impeccable. The size is immense. The history is rich with religious fervor and conflict. This place went from a Christian church to a Muslim mosque, to a museum. This place definitely lives up to its name Hagia Sophia, meaning "Holy Wisdom."

The Byzantine empire built this building around 300 AD. It wasn't until like 500 AD that they got the current structure. When the Ottomans took over Constantinople, now Istanbul, they converted this building into a mosque. They covered all of the Christian symbols and personages (thank goodness or else we wouldn't have these original pictures todays). They then put up their signatures of the Imams (at least that's what they are called by the Sunni Muslims). That's why you see the signatures and virgin Mary and baby Jesus in the the second picture. Seriously, what other religious building contain both Christ and the Imams? It's amazing how both religions truly revered this building. Kind of reminds me of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

Also, the picture at the bottom with Jesus in the middle is the first depiction of the Jesus that we all imagine. Every other artist painted/drew/sculpted Jesus to look like this painting (or at least His features). This was such a cool sight.

If you had to go to Europe, go to Turkey. Turkey is one of the most amazing countries' anyone can ever go to. This is something that should be on everybody's bucket list. I definitely want to go back again.

Living in Fear

When I say I'm the complete opposite person of who I was when I was a child, I'm not exaggerating. I have grown so much in 21 years. I can't fathom how much more I am going to grow the rest of my 79 years of my life.

I feel like the biggest change in me was going from "living in fear" to "living on the edge." I really regret that I let myself live in fear. I held myself back from doing so much. I feel like the reason why I'm not as talented as I could have been is because of fear. Seriously, I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of new situations. I was afraid of meeting new people. I was a little girl in a big world. I couldn't handle the world. Actually, I'm still a little girl in a big world, but I'm not letting this world get to me. I'm not letting this world scare me. Nope. Not at all (at least I'm telling myself).

Now I feel like I'm invincible. I'm up for anything (as long as it's keeping within the Lord's commandments). My family feels like I am too ambitious, wreck-less, and irresponsible. Maybe I am, but it beats living in fear and living like a vegetable.

Chinese!

Not until this past week have I been studying and exposing myself to Chinese. I've been slacking with my Chinese since I got back. I would casually study Chinese here and there. I'm trying to get a lot more serious with preparing for a mission. It's hard preparing for a mission when you're in Hawaii. I just want to play all day long instead of studying. I guess that's a good thing that BYU Hawaii didn't accept me, but BYU Provo accepted me.

I feel like the thing that I need to improve the most is listening comprehension. I feel like Chinese people talk as fast as cheetahs. I pick up words I know here and there, but overall I cannot understand the full meaning of a sentence. That's why I started watching this Taiwanese drama on Hulu. In English it's called "In Time With You." A couple of people suggested that I watch this drama. It's pretty good. I like the dialogue, but I feel like the situations are cliche. I'm only on episode 5 so my opinion might change. This show has definitely been helping me get used to Chinese speech. It's Chinese that you would speak on the streets, so I feel like I have been learning phrases and vocabulary that I never learned in Chinese class that I feel will be useful. The problem is that this is Taiwanese Chinese I'm getting used to. I'm pretty sure a ton of my investigators are going to be from mainland China. I am afraid they are going to think I am talking gibberish. Even my teachers will probably have served in Taiwan, so they'll be teaching us Taiwanese Chinese. I'm sure even though I'll be speaking Taiwanese Chinese, the PRC peeps will be impressed that a Filipino girl can be speaking some sort of Chinese.

I've been reading through the missionary vocabulary book for Mandarin Chinese. To tell you the truth, I have been struggling going through it. I started from the beginning on the first discussion. There would be grammar structures that I would struggle getting a grasp on. I would think, "What the heck? I have never learned this in my Chinese classes!" Ok this is bad! I am starting to sound like those return missionaries who think they should be understanding everything since they lived in Taiwan, but they aren't so they get all mad about it. I just need to find that balance with my Chinese knowledge. I shouldn't be over-confident if those first couple days are easy for me in the MTC, yet I shouldn't be discouraged if they aren't. I just got to learn how to be confident in the Lord guiding me, but with a humble heart.

I started reading a friend's blog from the Jerusalem Center who is now in the MTC. She is going to the Taiwan Taipei mission and she is leaving for the field pretty soon. I want to say she's leaving the beginning of June. I feel like it has been good for me reading how she feels being in the MTC and learning Chinese. It's rather entertaining the experiences she has been having. I feel like I have a better feel about what I am going to expect going into the MTC, especially being a Chinese speaker. I can't believe how long they are going to be teaching us in the classroom. I'm sure I am going to be going crazy a couple times here and there. I turn into a little baby when I get impatient and irritated. I know that being in the classroom for the whole day will transform me into a little brat. My district and teachers and companions are going to get a kick out of me acting like a 5-year-old. It was interesting when she wrote about that they ask two random missionaries every sacrament meeting to go up and give a talk in Chinese. I'll probably be freaking out ever Sunday because they'll be doing that. However, I have had pretty good instincts on knowing when the bishopric is going to ask me to give a talk. Hopefully this gift doesn't fail me while I'm on my mission.

I also saw a picture of her and a number of other sister missionaries that will be going to the Taiwan Taipei mission. I was surprised to know a couple of the sister missionaries in that picture. There was even one girl I had no idea she was going on her mission. I had to go on Facebook to make sure that the girl I saw in the picture was the girl that I was thinking of. It turned out to be her. Her younger sister ended up going to the Taiwan Taichung mission. I feel like out of all of the missions, I know the most people going to the Taiwan Taipei mission. I sometimes wish that I was going to the Taipei, Taiwan mission just so I can be companions with my friends. The girls that I know that will be going to Taipei are some of the neatest girls I have met. I would have loved to have been mission companions with them. I'm sure I'm more suited for the Australia Brisbane mission.

Scattering the Seeds

Tonight my family and I got on the topic of the Jerusalem Center. We actually had a debate about it. My brother is claiming that the Jerusalem Center is draining a lot of the Church's resources and that it shouldn't have been built. He thinks that the Church shouldn't focus their efforts on the Holy Land more than other countries. He thinks that the Church should make an equal effort to introduce non-proselytizing countries to the Church. He said that the Church shouldn't be spending tons of money on the Jerusalem Center just so they can gather "the chosen people." He feels like the Church glorifies the Holy Land more than they should.

I disagree. Yes, the Church spends a lot of money and resources on the Jerusalem Center, but I feel like it is definitely worth it. From first-hand experience, the Jerusalem Center has been spreading the seeds of the fullness of the gospel, despite the inability of the Church to proselytize. I feel like this is worth every penny of what the Church spends to keep this center running. I also feel like the Jerusalem Center was built in its due time and place. I know that the prophets were inspired by the Lord to build this center at this time and place. I feel like countries, such as India and China, may not ready for anything like this yet. That's why the Church hasn't built anything that could establish the presence of the Church in these countries. As a result, I don't think the Church should focus on giving all countries equal effort and resources. It all depends on the Lord's time table. I agree that the Church is glorifying the Holy Land, but for good reason. Monumental events have occurred there. The greatest event ever in history occurred in Jerusalem: the Atonement performed by Jesus Christ. This is something definitely worth glorifying over. As for the Church focusing on gathering "the chosen people," I don't think the Church is favoring one race of people over another. Like I said before, it's a matter of timing and preparedness. Maybe the Lord knew it's time that the people of the Holy Land get a taste of us Mormons.

This debate reminded me of something else. Even though we may not build anything like the Jerusalem Center in China, I feel like the seeds are being scattered in indirect ways. People from the PRC are working all over the world. Some of them are getting baptized. Some go back to the PRC. They probably introduce their family and friends to the gospel. Even these little efforts of "paying it forward"is a way of scatting the seeds on mainland China.

This idea got me pumped to preach the gospel in Mandarin Chinese in Australia. I'm pretty sure most of the Mandarin speakers in Australia are from the PRC. The PRC and Australia have strong ties. According to the Wall Street Journal, Australia wants to have strong ties not only trade-wise, but military-wise also. I feel like this is a sign that there's going to be more migration between the two countries. I hope those that I introduce to the gospel will plant seeds while they are in mainland China. I wonder how many destinies will be determined by one person's efforts?

My Mission Blog

So I've been hacking away at my mission blog today. Instead of using blogger.com, I'm using blog.com. I like this website for my mission blog for a couple reasons:

- I don't have to worry about giving my password for my email address to my family. My password for my email address is the password for everything else. I could have created a new email for my blog, but I feel like that would be more of a hassle.
- I feel like I can be more creative with my blog through this website.
- There's different sections I can include so it wouldn't be hard to find certain information.

It's been rather fun putting together this blog. This has been getting my creative juices flowing. I'm just going to post the link right before I leave for Utah. It's also still under construction and I probably won't complete this blog until then.

"Take Me Home"

My roommates and I found this on Netflix instant watch and we were supposed to watch it. We never got to it. I finally watched it yesterday. This was a good movie! It was a simple movie, but moving. To me, a movie is well-made if it can humble me. This movie definitely did that to me. Also, I thought it was cool how the two main characters are married to each other in real life.

This movie reminded me about something that my PL SC200 professor mentioned. I forgot how, but he all of a sudden got on the topic of his first engagement. He said that after he moved from California to Massachusetts, he realized he wanted to marry this girl back in California. They have never dated, but they were pretty good friends. He flew back to California. He just approached her and said that he got this feeling that they should get married. She agreed to it. They ended up going on a road trip down to Massachusetts so they could meet his or her parents. I remember distinctly how he said that road trips never go well. He said, "Once your half way across the continent on a road trip, there will be silence the rest of the way." That's a bad sign apparently. After that road trip, they broke off the engagement.

In this movie, the exact opposite happened. The two of them ended up getting really close through the road trip. This is what I learned from these two situations: If you can't even handle a road trip with your significant other, how are you going to handle this long journey of life with them?

Also, I absolutely loved the music to this movie. The music definitely made the movie what it is. All of the songs are from the artist Bootstraps. Their album was only $5.50 on Amazon so I bought it. The songs on this album all have the same sound, but I like it anyways. This is probably a little too soon to say this, but if I were to have a theme song to my mission experience, it would be "Fortyfive" by Bootstraps. This would be my background music when I'm walking up and down the streets of Australia.

Speaking of missions, I have one roommate that is already out on the mission field and one that will be entering the MTC tomorrow. Cassie was made Sister Training Leader after being out on the mission field for only 4 days. That made me laugh. The responsibilities never end for her. From school, straight to the mission, and then straight to the big callings. Sarah will be entering the MTC tomorrow. She'll be there for only a week and a half and then she'll be out preaching the gospel. And then there's just me left out of the bunch of roommates to be leaving on a mission. I really wanted to leave in May or early June. I was not expecting to leave as late as August. I'm sure the Lord has a good reason for me leaving this late.

Children

They have such an amazing affect. I feel like I become a better person when I'm around them. They always lift my spirits. I'm happier. They never fail to humble me. I can even get sentimental at times.

They are so precious and innocent. Their hearts are so pure. The world hasn't tainted them. They are so inquisitive. They see the world at angles I never knew existed. I feel like I'd rather learn from children rather than I teach them.

Sometimes I wish I majored in something where I can work more with children. I feel like I'm not really exposed to children. Not a lot of people in my family really want children. I'm the opposite. I really want children and I really want to be around them all of the time. I think this is what has been making me skeptical about going to graduate school. I'm not sure if I want to be a full-time career woman. I don't want to spend 100k for graduate school and then end up being a stay-at-home mom. I'm hoping I'll be able to figure this all out after I get back from my mission.

Before Entering the MTC

Today my mom and I were planning our trip for Utah before I enter the MTC. Planning this trip with my mom cracks me up. My mom hasn't travelled in many years. Actually, she rarely gets out of the North Shore. As a result, she is very safe. I think she's a little too safe. Or maybe I'm just a big risk taker.

We were discussing the rental car situation. I suggested that we rent the car from the Salt Lake City airport so we wouldn't have to pay extra transportation costs. Also, my mom could drive straight to the Salt Lake City airport. She doesn't want to do that. She said she'd rather get a shuttle to take us to Provo, rent a car in Provo, and then have a family friend take her to the airport after she drops me off. We'd lose more money if we did this. The shuttle for both of us would be $60 and then we'd have to pay an extra $30 for the rental car. Might as well just rent the car at the airport and save $60. So I told mom that her plan was irrational (I'm very blunt with my family). Her excuse was that she would get lost and miss her flight driving from Provo to the Salt Lake City airport. This made me laugh. Driving from Provo to the Salt Lake City airport is like the easiest drive to an airport. I told her that she just needs to get on the freeway and drive straight until she sees a sign that says Salt Lake City airport. She still thinks it's going to be difficult.

We also discussed flights. She told me that we should only take flights that have a 2-3 hour stop over. She says that she would only take a 1 hour stop over if she would be on the same plane. My mom is paranoid about having to switch terminals, especially with a 1 hour stop over. I always do 1 hour stop overs and I rarely miss my connecting flight. There were even a couple times when I had to go to a different terminal and I still made it on time. I only miss my connecting flight if my first flight doesn't arrive on time. Even then they are pretty good with re-booking me if I miss my flight. 

I had to tell my mom that I'm probably the most incompetent person out there. If I could handle all of this, that says a lot. 

I feel like we got the general plan for our trip to Utah:

- Fly out on July 31 and arrive in Salt Lake City August 1.

- Stay at a hotel in Springville (it was the best deal we could find)

- Meet up with people before I enter the MTC.

- Do things that a missionary would be allowed to do (I'll be set apart by then)

- See if my mom likes Utah enough to live there

- Enjoy my last days of freedom

Pergamon, Turkey

This place is unreal. You'd think you'd find the best Greek ruins in Greece, but our teachers said that you can find the best Greek ruins in Turkey. 

I'm glad I took History of Philosophy 1 (PHIL201) the semester before I left for the Jerusalem Center. My professor talked about some of the places that we visited in Turkey, including Pergamon. I felt like I was able to have a greater appreciation for these places because of this class. These places have such rich history.